i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
