i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
