I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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