i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We talked him into tasing himself.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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