dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize