If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
