All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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