The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That accounts for only three of the penises
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
