I smell stomach acid.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
