Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize