me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
