I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
