What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
