What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
