no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
