You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
