So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i think im in europe. pls send help
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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