so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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