Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
