Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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