The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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