Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
