I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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