On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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