your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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