Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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