My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
