If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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