he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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