nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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