note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
