Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How's work?
Spinning.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
