Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
