dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
