It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
