textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
