A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
