There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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