She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
