My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
