I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
