That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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