Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
