Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i came on her dog
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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