just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
