I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
