just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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