took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
