I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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