Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize