There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
