She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
