Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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