All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
