We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
