now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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