We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
